Monday, April 19, 2010

11 Reasons I am a Pimp-o-Matic Mega-Stud

Last week Roommate #51 posted an essay on the concept of what he calls "Marryability," or a measure of how marriage-worthy a guy or girl is.  It has caused me some deep introspection.  Over the years, I have been described as "a tough match," "intimidating," and "having a perfectly shaped head," so in this age of shameless self-promotion, I thought it might be worth my time to assemble a brief hit list of my own marriage resume highlights:

1. I own my own blender.  I even use it, too.  Just to make virgin margaritas, but that's got to count for something.

2. I've got that "opening doors" thing nailed.  This one has already been well-documented.  I can handle doorknobs, push/pull setups, automatic doors, and most types of windows.

3. I shave my head.  Sure, you could say that male-pattern baldness is a negative, but I say it's a much bigger negative to the guys who live in comb-over denial.  Besides, as we discussed earlier, I have a perfectly shaped head.

4. I have season tickets to the Utah Jazz.  That's right, baby: 41 pre-paid date nights a year!  Just make sure to bring your own oxygen mask and an extra layer; the air gets a little thin in the upper bowl.  On the flip side, the odds of seeing a fistfight are way higher.

5. I have a weakness for certain RomCom's.  Keep in mind, there's a big difference between Romantic Comedies and Chick Flicks (which are still a no-no), but thanks to a Big Brother Complex* I developed for John Cusack many years ago, I can usually be talked into a periodic RomCom, especially if it stars some super-fly hot mama like Meg Ryan or Kate Beckinsale.

6. I have cool scars.  Chicks don't dig sissy-boys, they dig scars.  Because nothing says "sexy" like evidence of past lacerations.

7. I own my own business.  Sure, I may have only created it for tax reasons, and yeah, maybe I named it after a Monty Python sketch, but seriously, I own my own business.  That's cool, right?

8. I am not into video games.  I have plenty of free time to talk to you and make out and stuff.

9. I have a reasonable bench-press.  I won't be impressing anyone at the NFL combine, but I hear the basic threshold is the ability to bench your own body weight, and I've got that kicked by a long shot.  Especially if you believe that I weigh 115 pounds.

10. I am handy with a shotgun, and know all the best ways to deal with zombies.  Of course, it helps if they are the size of clay pigeons and operate at a distance of 25-50 yards.

11. I play the drums.  Playing the drums is a lot of fun, but as the foundational element of the band, you often feel left out of the creative loop.  On the other hand, once I heard that drummers make good lovers, so there you go., why are there 11 highlights instead of a clean 10?  Because guys with marryability don't conform to the cultural conventions of a shallow society (or the rules of grammar).  Ladies, if you really want to score a Pimp-o-Matic Mega-Stud, you have to be ready to dial the volume up to 11.


*Meaning "John Cusack is the big brother I never had," not, "I think John Cusack is watching my every move."