Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Jon Voight hates my people

Dear Jon Voight,

Last spring I saw a clip on “The O’Reilly Factor” that said you were going to be in a movie about the Mountain Meadows Massacre. I was miffed, but I forgot about it, because I don’t spend lots of time thinking about dumb anti-Mormon movies during the day.

Now the movie’s out, and my fears are confirmed: Jon Voight hates my people. And so does General Zod.

What did I do, Jon? Where did I let you down? After all we’ve been through, after so many memories, why this?

Why, after I was so worried when the inbred guy with the teeth was going to shoot you in “Deliverance”, but then luckily you got him first with your arrow?

Why, after I cried with you in that New Jersey bar while you pointed to Derrik Zoolander on the TV and said, “that’s my son, that’s my son”?

And why, after the time you bit Kramer’s arm on “Seinfeld” and almost got me to start an “I Love Jon Voight” fan club?

After all those memories, how could you star in this crap movie? Why screw up such a great track record?

Has the pressure gotten too great? Did your agent take a vacation? Have you struggled to find direction since the falling out between you and Brangelina? Why take it out on the Mormons, Jon?

I’ve been watching interviews you did on important media outlets like CNN, Fox News and “The View”. You keep saying it’s important that the truth be told, but then you said you did your background research on the Internet. Come on, man; I expect more from a guy who played the Pope. I expect more from my eighteen-year-old English 1010 students.

Speaking of the Internet, have you ever read the Rotten Tomatoes Web site? Maybe you should check it out. Apparently “September Dawn” isn’t exactly “Citizen Cane”. According to the Tomato-Meter, it’s not even “Rush Hour 3”.

Do you know why, Jon?

It’s because even movie critics can see through “September Dawn”. They all know it’s a pathetic attempt to make Mormons look bad, and you’re front and center in the production, along with General Zod and Uncle Rico. You’re breaking my heart, Jon.

You can claim that the movie isn’t meant to reflect on current members of the church, but you have to know better than that, Jon. Do you think that after watching “Big Love” on HBO, informed viewers sat back and said, “hmmm, this satire is a clever poke at a radical fringe element of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who continue to espouse a doctrine that was officially disbanded over one-hundred years ago”?

No, Jon, they sit back and think, “Man, Mormons are weird. I’m totally voting for Rudy Giuliani.”

Do you think that after watching “September Dawn” people are going to say, “Ah, this cartoonish depiction of the Mormon sect is a powerful metaphor for the dangers of religious extremism. It’s a good thing Mormons today are so well-grounded, like that Napoleon Dynamite guy.”

No, they’re going to sit back and say, “Dude, no wonder the Jazz can’t get any good free agents.”

Actually, from what I can tell, most viewers are going to sit back and say, “what the h--- was that?” But then again, that’s just judging by the Internet.

I’m not saying the attack never happened. Even the church (meaning the real one, not the horned polygamist one) freely admits that. But I don’t think that’s what “September Dawn” is about. I think it’s about taking shots at a group that is outside of the “protected” sphere.

Jon, I want to cut you a break because I haven’t seen the movie. It’s rated R, so I’m going to have to wait a year or two until the cut out the naked bits and put it on cable. But I don’t know if I’ll feel any better then. Next time you get steamed when some journalist starts going through your closet, remember the ones you went through yourself.