Monday, July 31, 2006

An Open Letter to Giordano's

Dear Giordano's,

While recently perusing your tasteful brochure at the South Naperville restaurant, I learned that you have opened two locations in Florida--the first outside of Illinois. I was excited to see you expand beyond your traditional Midwestern confines, but pained that you decided to do so in Florida.

Everybody knows that Florida is full of old retired people; "Miami Vice" was a scam designed to attract good-looking people to move there and build pastel colored mansions. Do these people even eat pizza? We should just put those sliding glass doors on their state lines or sell the land back to Spain for cheap.

On the other hand, opening a Giordano's in Utah would be a smart move on multiple counts. I have given this a lot of thought, and have focused my reasoning on four points:

1. Utah pizza stinks. Most Utahn’s think that pizza is supposed to be heavy on cheese and light on sauce. This is a ridiculous fallacy that may be connected to the idea that white people prefer mayonnaise, and tend to favor cheese over meaty sauces. I however prefer the sauce, and I also hate mayonnaise, even though I am white and bald. The closest thing we have to a good pizza place is Geppetto's, and that's only because I like the calzones. Calzones, as George Steinbrenner could tell you, are not pizzas. If Utahn’s had the chance to try your stuff, they would stop ordering delivery and fill your tables with their large traditional families.

2. Connie's is ruining Chicago's good name. When the topic of Chicago-style deep-dish pizza comes up, people usually mention Connie's, since that's the only franchise they've ever encountered. Well, just because you cut big slices out of your crap pizza doesn't mean it isn't crap pizza, and it sure doesn't make it Chicago-style pizza. Giordano's must establish its place as capo de tutti capo of deep-dish pizza.

3. Illinois owes the Mormons. What better way to apologize for running my ancestors out of your state than granting us one of the first non-Illinois Giordano's franchises? It would go a long way towards healing the intense "Utah-Illinois Rift" that has gripped the heart of our nation for decades. You could even get Dennis Rodman to show up at the ribbon-cutting ceremony. Utahn’s would love to run the water under the bridge while eating Giordano's Famous Stuffed Pizza on top of the bridge.

4. Chicago
owes the Utah Jazz. Back in the early 90's, when Michael Jordan was still a humble guy and the Bulls were still underdogs, I was a fan. When he retired early like Jim Brown, I thought, "cool". Then he came back, and while the Jazz were looking for NBA championship #1, Jordan came along and grabbed #5 and #6. That sucks. If you guys believe in karma, you'll do what you can to patch this thing up quick.

Now, one of the risks of franchise expansion is the dilution of product quality. This is what happened to Taco Bell. When they were small, they were great. Nowadays I know in my mind that the food is inferior, and I know in my heart that each hot sauce packet shortens my life by twenty minutes, yet something else still gets me over there...possibly my spleen.

The solution to this problem is restrictive expansion--start small and keep tight reins on the new franchises. Only sell to owners with large forearms that can imitate good Chicago accents. Larry Miller has big forearms--and one really big elbow--but I don't know how he does with accents. Plus he cries publicly from time to time.

If you open up a Giordano's in Utah, I pledge to eat there once a week for the next six months. Unless you open it up in Provo. Every time I go to Provo someone tries to recruit me into a Ponzi scheme, and that's a once-a-month experience at most.

I eagerly await your reply. Attached is a photo of what a Giordano's would look like in Utah.


Woods Cross, Utah

PS: Jordan pushed off Russell in Game 6.