posted an essay on the concept of what he calls "Marryability," or a measure of how marriage-worthy a guy or girl is. It has caused me some deep introspection. Over the years, I have been described as "a tough match," "intimidating," and "having a perfectly shaped head," so in this age of shameless self-promotion, I thought it might be worth my time to assemble a brief hit list of my own marriage resume highlights:
1. I own my own blender. I even use it, too. Just to make virgin margaritas, but that's got to count for something.
2. I've got that "opening doors" thing nailed. This one has already been well-documented. I can handle doorknobs, push/pull setups, automatic doors, and most types of windows.
3. I shave my head. Sure, you could say that male-pattern baldness is a negative, but I say it's a much bigger negative to the guys who live in comb-over denial. Besides, as we discussed earlier, I have a perfectly shaped head.
4. I have season tickets to the Utah Jazz. That's right, baby: 41 pre-paid date nights a year! Just make sure to bring your own oxygen mask and an extra layer; the air gets a little thin in the upper bowl. On the flip side, the odds of seeing a fistfight are way higher.
5. I have a weakness for certain RomCom's. Keep in mind, there's a big difference between Romantic Comedies and Chick Flicks (which are still a no-no), but thanks to a Big Brother Complex* I developed for John Cusack many years ago, I can usually be talked into a periodic RomCom, especially if it stars some super-fly hot mama like Meg Ryan or Kate Beckinsale.
scars. Because nothing says "sexy" like evidence of past lacerations.
7. I own my own business. Sure, I may have only created it for tax reasons, and yeah, maybe I named it after a Monty Python sketch, but seriously, I own my own business. That's cool, right?
8. I am not into video games. I have plenty of free time to talk to you and make out and stuff.
9. I have a reasonable bench-press. I won't be impressing anyone at the NFL combine, but I hear the basic threshold is the ability to bench your own body weight, and I've got that kicked by a long shot. Especially if you believe that I weigh 115 pounds.
10. I am handy with a shotgun, and know all the best ways to deal with zombies. Of course, it helps if they are the size of clay pigeons and operate at a distance of 25-50 yards.
11. I play the drums. Playing the drums is a lot of fun, but as the foundational element of the band, you often feel left out of the creative loop. On the other hand, once I heard that drummers make good lovers, so there you go.
...so, why are there 11 highlights instead of a clean 10? Because guys with marryability don't conform to the cultural conventions of a shallow society (or the rules of grammar). Ladies, if you really want to score a Pimp-o-Matic Mega-Stud, you have to be ready to dial the volume up to 11.
*Meaning "John Cusack is the big brother I never had," not, "I think John Cusack is watching my every move."