Your source for second-rate hearsay journalism…
Atlanta Hawks: Does anyone know who owns these guys now? Do they even have any players? Do you think Michael Vick’s little brother could get a tryout at the point as a personal favor?
Prediction: At halftime of their March 3rd head-to-head matchup with the Knicks, Isiah Thomas trades Renaldo Balkman and 15 million dollars to the Hawks for twelve boxes of smores-flavored granola bars and a weekend stay at a day spa in some town in Mississippi.
Boston Celtics: Is Red Auerbach still alive? Is Robert Parrish still available? Are there really twelve jersey numbers that haven’t been retired by this team?
Prediction: The Patriots go in the tank cause they don’t have Vinatieri to bail out their butts with cheap field goals.
Chicago Bulls: Dennis Rodman insulted my people, and Michael Jordan stole two NBA titles from the Jazz by telepathically causing Karl Malone to miss his free throws and then pushing off of Byron Russell the next season. Karma is real: just ask the Zen Master.
Prediction: Ben Wallace dies in a tragic plane crash with John Mayer and The Big Bopper.
Cleveland Cavaliers: Current marketing campaign for LeBron: the “I am a witness” thing. Yeah, I was a witness. I witnessed The Drive, I witnessed The Fumble, and I witnessed Art Modell steal one of sport’s most beloved franchises and win a Super Bowl with it under the guidance of a guy who may or may not have stabbed two people to death that same weekend.
Prediction: 2nd Round, with a heartbreaking Game 7 loss after a shot by a fellow who in the right light looks just like Michael Jordan.
Charlotte Bobcats: How many bobcats are there in Charlotte? Does any NBA mascot/logo make any sense anymore? Oh well, I think Charlotte has a really good rebounder. Oh, wait...that’s Orlando. Charlotte drafted the other guy.
Prediction: Team leaves Charlotte at end of season…again.
Dallas Mavericks: My old roommate looks just like Dirk.
Prediction: Mark Cuban is abducted by aliens, and somehow profits 2.3 billion dollars off the experience.
David Hasselhoff: The days of “Baywatch” fame are long gone, but Hasselhoff is still a solid perimeter player with serious upside. Plus he may have the potential to become Dirk’s toughest defender.
Prediction: The guy became an icon hanging out with a talking car, entertaining Germans, and building the greatest international TV hit of all time by splicing together shots of lifeguards running on the beach in slow-motion. How could we possibly know what is going to happen next?
Denver Nuggets: I really, really, really hate those baby blue uniforms. I really, really, really hate the fact that Andre Miller blew us off three years ago and signed with these guys instead of the Jazz. And I really, really, really refuse to say anything good about a team that plays in the same town as the Broncos.
Prediction: John Elway roasts in the fires of Hell.
Detroit Pistons: These guys were great, and then they lost the guy with the killer ‘fro. Sounds like the folks are gonna have to listen to their Smokey Robinson records this winter if they want to stay warm.
Prediction: 0-82, good for fifth place in the Eastern Conference Standings.
Golden State Warriors: Back in 1988, I braced myself for the first ever run to the finals by my beloved Jazz. Then they got swept by Don Nelson’s Warriors in the first round. In spite of this, I find Nellie to be an oddly appealing figure, almost Santa-like.
Prediction: Nah, screw him—Warriors won’t break .500.
Harlem Globetrotters: The outlook is pensive after some marginal free agent signings and a weak draft, but the Globetrotters should still manage to put together a decent season, since they play the Washington Generals 75 times.
Prediction: One appearance on “The Simpsons”, two on “Oprah”, and their own reality television show on FOX as a mid-season replacement.
Houston Rockettes: If Tracy McGrady can coax some more wins out of the Rockets, he might avoid becoming the Dominique Wilkins of his generation. If Jeff Van Gundy grows a moustache and picks up a nice new toupee, he might stand a chance at becoming the Gomez Addams of his.
Prediction: Yao Ming grows five inches, and his scoring average dips to 11.3 points per game.
Indiana Pacers: Larry Bird can rest assured that Stephen Jackson is committed to doing his darnedest to fill the Ron Artest void.
Prediction: Bird brings back the nasty moustache and curly mullet-thing by mid-season, thus erasing that meddling Adam Morrisson from existence completely.
Los Angeles Lakers: Kobe just changed his jersey number from 8 to 24 so he can show people he’s on his game 24 hours a day. Or maybe that’s his commercials.
Prediction: You hate Mamba because he’s arrogant. You hate Mamba because he’s rich. You hate Mamba because he has hundreds of fans that live in your home state and come to your home facility and cheer for the opposing team in pansy yellow jerseys.
Memphis Grizzlies: Kirilenko may have gotten the pimp daddy press last year thanks to his wife, but Pau Gasol’s got the swingin’ beard to put him on top of the “foreign dude” list this season.
Prediction: Grizzlies go in the tank after Kirilenko brings back the Mohawk.
Miami Heat: In spite of winning his fourth ring, no one really believes Shaq’s crew was the best team in the league last year. That might have made Shaq mad back in the day, but this year he’ll probably blow it off and buy a private island somewhere in the Manhattan area.
Prediction: 2nd round loss to someone that isn’t as good as Wade.
Milwaukee Bucks: I went to the University of Utah, but even I had trouble putting the name Bogut up there with Kareem, Wilt, and Russell. My vote is they try to get that sausage race thing going at halftime.
Prediction: -75 with the wind chill, flurries but no real snow.
Minnesota Timberwolves: It’s just wrong for Kevin McHale to be heavily involved in a team other than the Celtics, just like it’s wrong that Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid ever split up. Kevin Garnett suffers from both of these trials on a daily basis.
Prediction: With his children on the brink of starvation, Latrell Sprewell returns to Minnesota in time to boost them to a 24-58 record.
New Jersey Nets: I read this article that said New Jersey had one of the highest average salaries in the United States. All the more reason for Toronto to send assassins for Vince Carter’s head.
Prediction: .500 season until All-Star break, when Jason Kidd decides to go Jim Brown and pursue an acting career.
New Orleans/Oklahoma City Saints: Sorry folks, but Reggie Bush doesn’t play basketball.
Prediction: Chris Paul makes the All-Star team, the rest of the team leaves in the first round.
New York Knicks: As unbelievable a ride as it’s been, kids, it’s just about to get even better. The Knicks still have Marbury and Francis in the same backcourt, and Isiah just took over as Head Coach.
Prediction: On a cold night in February, the cast of “Spamalot” takes the court in place of the team, and no one notices.
Orlando Magic: People used to think JJ Redick was just another jerk from Duke. But now with a DUI on his rap sheet, he’s got the street cred he needs to be a leader in the NBA.
Prediction: Florida is sold back to the Spanish in November, and Dwight Howard averages 56 rebounds a game in the European leagues.
Philadelphia Sixers: It must be interesting to be Allen Iverson these days. You’ve spent your entire career being the feisty, short underdog punk for one team, and after they spend the summer trying to trade you, you’re back with them for another season.
Prediction: Iverson averages 79 points and 133 attempts per game, Philly goes 15-67.
Phoenix Suns: See Detroit Pistons. You lose iconic hair, you go down the tubes.
Prediction: 38-44, and Arizona residents continue to use rocks for their front lawns.
Portland Trailblazers: Years ago these guys were the overpaid bad boys of the NBA. Years before that they had the classiest non-bad boy backcourt in the league. Years before that, Lewis and Clark hit the Pacific, and had nowhere else to go.
Prediction: 20-life with a possibility of parole.
Sacramento Kings: Last year he went AWOL to promote a rap album and shaved his recording label into his head. The year before that he led the greatest sports riot of all time, unless you count every weekend in Oakland between September and December. All I know is that Ron Artest aims to please.
Prediction: By early December, Artest shows up at midcourt naked brandishing a pair of M-16’s while the stadium PA plays “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised”.
San Antonio Spurs: As impartial as he seems to be, one would expect Tim Duncan to have walked away from the sport Barry Sanders-like already, not to pursue an acting career, not to pursue a baseball career, just to pretty much do nothing. But he’s still around.
Prediction: Tony Parker hooks up with Jessica Alba in early January, propelling the Spurs to an 80-2 record, and a nation holds its breath in anticipation of another boring finals.
Seattle Supersonics: There’s no ingredient for winning quite like playing out your last games before leaving town in front of an apathetic, coffee-chugging crowd that’s still bent that the grunge era is over.
Prediction: 20-62, and the Mariners lose another future All-Star
Toronto Raptors: Once I went to the Canadian side of Niagra Falls and ate at the Hard Rock Café. I was confused about whether to tip in Canadian dollars or American dollars, but when I asked about it, my waitress was offended. If that’s the kind of service you get in Canada, how good can their basketball teams be?
Prediction: Eastern Conference Finals, based entirely on Charlie Villenueva’s continuing rage after his draft day humiliation.
Utah Jazz: I spent $168 to go in with two co-workers for season tickets at the Delta Center up in the cheap seats this year. So Larry, your boys had better produce. And I’d better start finding some dates.
Prediction: Back in the playoffs for the first time in four years, then probably swept by Don Nelson’s fantasy team.
Washington Bullets: I was just in DC last weekend, and they’ve still got signs around town that give you directions to the MCI Center, even though it’s been renamed the Verizon Center. Can you hear me now?
Prediction: Republicans take a hit in November, but Demo’s fail to take charge because none of the new representatives can figure out how to get in from Dulles.
Los Angeles Clippers: Sam Cassell is the corollary to the Pistons/Suns hair woes of 2007: preserving your shaved head by consequence preserves your alien-like mystique, and that little dance you do, while considered borderline obscene by most communities, seems to work for Billy Crystal.
Prediction: The secret love child of Kurt Rambis and Hulk Hogan leads the Clippers to the 2007 NBA title.