Last week I was informed that I would be on a committee to review applicants for a new position at the office. Just in case, I thought I should write up a few interview questions:
- Where do you see yourself in five years?
- Where do you see me in five years?
- What am I thinking?
- Are you a sock-sock-shoe-shoe guy, or a sock-shoe-sock-shoe guy?
- Have you ever peed with no hands?
- If I asked you to perform the same task twice in the same day, would you tell me? How about if I asked you five times? How about if I asked you five times?
- Tell me your life story in thirty seconds. Ready, go!
- If I got in a fist-fight with another employee at our monthly staff meeting, would you try to break it up, or would you have my back?
- I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 100. Have you ever dressed up in women’s clothing?
- How do you feel when I pour this fish-chum in your lap?
- Do you now, or have you ever owned an album by Neil Diamond?
- What is the best solution to the immigration problem?
- Did Saddam have weapons of mass-destruction?
- A student runs into your office on fire. Do you try to help them, or do you page the TA’s, since they are responsible for classroom management?
- How do you feel about inter-office dating? Do you find me attractive?
- Suppose you get a call every day for three weeks asking for a person that doesn’t work in our office. Suppose you tell them every time they call that that person doesn’t work here, and they need to take our phone number off their list. At what point do you stop being polite, and when you cross that line, do you A) Just hang up on them, B) Swear at them, C) Pretend to be the person they are looking for?
- Suppose a center regular tries to establish an unofficial residence at an available desk in your office, and proceeds to kick back and make calls and do random tasks even though you have no professional connection to them whatsoever. What do you say when they try to get you to take messages for them?
- Is it ethical to spend more than ten minutes trying to roll a stress ball down a hallway, through the student break room, across another hallway, and into the office of your staff accountant in one throw?
- When the plant lady comes in to water our foliage and she asks you for the master key so she can get into the director’s office, do you wait by his door until she finishes or do you let her do her thing unsupervised, cause no one would want to steal a bunch of books about business theory anyway?
- You are going to lunch with the student advisor, the night manager, and the director. The student advisor is driving, so do you give the director shotgun? Even if the night manager has been sending you e-mails threatening to stick you with a letter opener if you don’t stay at least ten feet away from him at all times?
- One of your coworkers is a test-tube baby, and thus has no true birthday. How do you choose to celebrate around the office?
- You suspect that one of your co-workers is lighting doobies on his smoke breaks, but you also notice that your supervisor seems to be a big fan of Bob Marley. How do you address the issue?
- One of the TA’s confesses that they are a secret plant from the
sent to research and sabotage the Universityof Utah Alternative Routeto Licensure Program. Do you blow the whistle, or use the info to blackmail the spy into getting you season tickets to U of U athletic events?
- The copy machine has been making a suspicious ticking noise for the past ten minutes, but you don’t know if you’re just suffering the after-effects of the rock festival you called in sick to attend yesterday. Do you call attention to the noise, and potentially save the center from certain terrorist annihilation, or do you keep your mouth shut and make a mental note to bring earplugs to next year’s festival?
- Six months from now, while using the restroom, you overhear a conversation that informs you that you are in stiff head-to-head competition with one other co-worker for a major promotion. Twenty minutes later, that same co-worker calls you from a vacant lot in
, incoherent and asking you to cover for them until they can find their clothes and make it in to the office. What do you do? Springville, Utah